


The Perfect Fit

by TheManicMagician



Category: Fire Emblem Series
Genre: Dick Jokes, F/M, Not to be taken seriously, Sexual Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-10
Updated: 2016-08-10
Packaged: 2018-08-07 20:27:04
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,579
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7728625
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheManicMagician/pseuds/TheManicMagician
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Elise comes to the family and announces her marriage to Benny. While Corrin is happy for her younger sister, she's also concerned about the more...physical...aspects of their relationship.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Perfect Fit

Corrin blames Xander, really. He gathered the army, announced his intentions to wed Charlotte, and it was like a dam burst. The amount of flirting in the barracks catapulted, leading to several more romantic confessions amongst the Nohrian army. Corrin herself had been meeting with Niles at the time, cultivating a relationship with the resident bad-boy. Xander’s proposal of marriage must have emboldened him, for not three days later Niles knelt down before her and held out a ring.

While Xander and Camilla were dubious at first, Leo and Corrin managed to assure them of Niles’ dependency and reformation, and thus agreed to the marriage. So it was that Xander and Corrin held a double wedding. For days on end they let themselves forget about the Hoshidans and simply celebrated, to the point where Corrin gets nauseous now at the sight of cake.

Camilla and Leo hadn’t expressed any romantic interest in anyone yet, but apparently Elise had been feeling left out.

It’s the only explanation Corrin’s mind supplies her with when Elise parades Benny before three very confused and flustered older siblings.

“We’ve spent some weeks in a Deeprealm here and there, getting to know each other.” Elise explains. Her hand is clasped in Benny’s, and Corrin can’t even see her sister’s tiny hand, so completely engulfed in Benny’s massive paw.

Elise glances up at Benny. Both have rosy blushes on their cheeks.

“And, well, he proposed! And I said yes!”

Elise does not get the excited cheer from the room that she expects, everyone still in a stunned silence.

_Elise_? With _Benny_? Their sweet, small younger sister with a hulking mountain of a man like this?

Camilla is the first to summon forth her voice.

“Darling, are you _sure_?”

Elise puffs out her cheeks.

“I knew you guys would be like this. I’m an adult too, you know!” She stomps her foot, undermining her declaration.

Xander stands abruptly.

“Benny. A word, if you please.” His tone is stiff.

Benny nods, and they leave the room, Leo trailing behind. No doubt they’re off to give Benny their patented Protective Brothers Talk™.

“This is not something for you to rush into, Elise.” Camilla starts again, gently. “A marriage vow is something not easily broken, especially fot someone of our status.”

“I know that,” Elise bristles. “Don’t patronize me!”

Corrin pats her little sister’s arm.

“We’re not, Elise. We’re just concerned, is all.”

“As if you’re one to talk!” Elise dramatically stabs a finger at Corrin. “Mrs. I’m-already-married.”

“Does he make you happy, truly?” Camilla asks, steering them back on track.

Elise’s face lights up, a tender smile on her lips. “He does. He really, really does.”

“Well then,” Camilla says with finality. “That’s all that really matters. If you really love each other, everything else will fall into place eventually.”

Elise’s gaze darts to Corrin. Corrin sighs, and nods.

“I agree with Camilla.”

Elise squeals happily, tackling them both in a hug.

“This’ll be great! Benny’s going to be the best husband ever!”

“If you say so.” Corrin is still trying to wrap her mind around all this.

Camilla stokes Elise’s hair in her motherly way.

“But if he ever harms so much as a hair on your head, just let big sister know. And I’ll take care of him.”

Corrin shudders at the very real and lethal intent in Camilla’s words, but Elise only nods in agreement.

~*~

Elise and Benny’s wedding is not quite as lavish as the previously-held double wedding, but the young woman hardly minds. They could’ve held the ceremony in a roadside tavern for all she cares. Elise is just happy to have someone to call her own.

But while Corrin’s other siblings come to accept Benny and move on with their lives, Corrin can’t help but be confounded by a certain aspect of their relationship.

To be precise, a certain physical aspect.

“This is driving me insane, Niles.”

Corrin complains, rolling over on their bed to face Niles. His gaze flicks from the book he was reading towards her.

“What is?”

“Benny. And Elise.”

“I thought you were fine with them being together.”

“I am! I am.”

“So…what’s the problem?”

“You can’t blab about this to Odin.”

He frowns. “I don’t speak of our conversations with Odin.”

“Yes you do.”

“Alright, okay.” Niles bookmarks his page and snaps the book shut. “So what about Benny and Elise do you want to talk about?”

Corrin’s gaze tracks up to the ceiling, face serious.

“How would it fit?”

“How would _what_ fit?” Niles asks, a touch exasperated.

“His dick! His _dick_ , Niles!” Corrin leaps up to gesticulate wildly. “Elise is tiny and he’s a giant! It’s like a whale fucking a goddamn shrimp!”

“…You’ve given some thought to this.”

Corrin seizes Niles by the lapels of his shirt and drags him close.

“How, Niles. How does that big elephant dick fit in there?”

“…Maybe it’s not big?” Niles suggests. “It’s possible he’s got a small dick.”

Corrin gets a gleam in her eye, and Niles leans away some, knowing whatever it is can’t bode too well for him.

“Niles.”

“Yes?”

“I need you to go into the hot springs while Benny’s there. I need you to check.”

Niles recoils. “I’ll have you know I’m a happily married man.”

“As your wife and commander, I order you to obey me. You _will_ go into the hot springs and you _will_ report to me on Benny’s size.”  Corrin lays on the puppy-dog eyes. “Please?”

“If you so will it.” Niles leans in closer for a kiss. Corrin obliges him. “Besides, I can’t deny that I’m curious about it too, now that you’ve brought it up.”

“Imagine living with this thought for weeks on end.” She massagers her temples. “I couldn’t take it anymore.”

Niles snuffs out the candle, and they both climb into bed.

“We strike at dawn. Or, whenever Benny uses the springs.”

~*~

Niles tumbles out of bed in the early morning light and sets out to stalk his newfound prey. He doesn’t have to look too far, spying Benny starting the day off checking on the cows. The beasts are fenced securely in their pasture, under the experienced and watchful eye of Mozu, but Benny finds delight in checking up on the cows regardless.

He cleans clods of dirt from their hooves, rubs down their matted fur, even feeds them apples from his pockets. Niles, meanwhile, struggles to keep his eyes open.

Once the animals are satisfied, Benny continues on. He moves to a secluded part of the base, a copse of bramble trees in a corner. Charlotte is there, and appears to have been waiting for him, tapping her foot.

Niles peeks out form behind a tree, watching raptly as Benny approaches Charlotte. Just what are they doing out here? Alone? Together?!

“Benny! You’re late again.”

 

“My apologies. Shall we begin?”

Charlotte picks through some carefully scattered foliage and hefts up a mighty training axe. Benny grabs a lance resting unobtrusively against a nearby tree.

Oh. Niles slumps.

He watches the duo spar. He’s seen them fight before, but always on the battlefield, where he’s more concerned with keeping his head on his shoulders than seeing what his allies are up to. Benny has rock solid defense, but Charlotte’s attacks are beyond brutal. She soon gets the upper hand, disarming him.

Benny holds up his hands in surrender.

“Good match, Charlotte.” Benny hands her his handkerchief, which she uses to dab at her sweaty forehead—a proper lady doesn’t sweat.

“Thanks again for helping me out. I would ask Xander to spar, but he’s got princely duties to attend to.” Charlotte sighs dreamily, for once sincere about it.

“I understand. Elise has taken to sitting in on more council meetings lately, giving us less time together.”

Charlotte nudges her friend conspiratorially.

“That’s right. We both netted some prize spouses, didn’t we?”

Benny smiles fondly. “Elise certainly is a treasure.”

Charlotte swats him; he staggers back slightly from the force of it.

“Ugh, you never change, do you?”

After a bit more chatter, the two old friends go their separate ways, and Niles continues to tail his target. Sweating profusely from the cloying heat and the hard workout, Benny beelines for the hot springs. Niles waits a few moments to not arouse suspicion, and then slips in after him.

Trading his clothes for a simple towel, Niles continues on into the spring. Benny is sitting there, relaxed, eyes closed. He hears Niles’ feet as he pads across the room, and opens his eyes.

“Niles? What a surprise.”

“You don’t mind if I…?” Niles gestures to the steaming water.

“By all means.”

Niles sinks into the spring by Benny’s side, some water sloshing out onto the tile. He lets out a pleased sigh at the feel of warm water on tired muscles. Then, he slyly glances over, angling his gaze down. The towel around Benny’s waist is tied snugly; it won’t loosen and reveal what’s underneath by accident.

“Benny,” Niles purrs, moving closer. “We rarely have the opportunity to be the only two in the room.”

Benny shifts, unsure where he’s going with this.

“Because of this, I’ve never had the chance to ask.” Niles looks down at Benny’s lap. Noticeably. Suggestively. “Is it true what they say, about a man with big feet? One look, that’s all I’m asking—”

“Niles,” Benny interrupts him. Niles startles as he notices the beginnings of tears budding in his eyes. “Why do you always feel the need to act in such a manner? Do you rely on crude sexual humor as a crutch for genuine emotion?”

Niles sputters. Benny takes Niles’ hand in his, expression sincere.

“My friend. Please tell me everything.”

~*~

“…and then he gave me one last hug and promised we’d get together in a few days to discuss my progress.” Niles concludes, back in Corrin’s treehouse.

“Niles. You know that I’m happy for you, gaining emotional catharsis like this. But tell me. Please, tell me. Did you see what his dick looks like?”

Niles shakes his head. “While I don’t mind flirting between the two of us, Benny and I are trying to work on my sexual advances and innuendos when it comes to others.”

Corrin flops down huffily on the bed. Niles has failed her.

~*~

Since her husband is of no help, Corrin turns instead to another of her close confidants: her dear older sister.

“Never trust a man to do a woman’s job.” Camilla chastises her. “Elise and I were planning to take tea together this afternoon. You’re more than welcome to join us, and watch as I get the truth from her.”

And that’s how Corrin finds herself sitting down with her sisters a handful of hours later, in a pleasantly-shaded glade.

Corrin sips at her tea and pulls a face—it tastes like pine needles were used in the place of actual tea leaves. Felicia must’ve made this pot. Camilla and Elise don’t seem to mind, though, so Corrin swallows down the bitter concoction and says nothing.

“I’m so glad you managed to come out with us today, Corrin.” Elise beams. “It seems you’ve been so busy lately.”

“I’ve spent most of my time lately being drilled on Hoshidan maneuvers by Xander.” Corrin explains. She almost feels guilty that she’s using this scrap of free time to learn more about Benny’s dick. Almost. “But I want to hear about you. How have you and Benny been?”

Elise perks up.

“Oh, just great! We’ve been talking about what animals we want to take in once the fighting has ended.”

“Speaking of Benny,” Camilla interjects. “I bet your husband is a _big_ boy, isn’t he?”

Corrin has to forcefully resist the urge to smack her head on the table. _This_ is Camilla’s oh-so-wise approach?

Elise titters.

“Yup! He sure is! In fact, on our first night together, he broke the bed!”

Camilla and Corrin freeze.

“B-Broke the bed, you say?” Corrin manages.

“He was super embarrassed about it, too—I even had to lie to the carpenter when I filed out a work order.” Elise shrugs. “Guess that kind of thing just happens when you’re as large as he is.”

Corrin’s tea sprays out of her mouth, startling the other two.

“Corrin, are you alright? You’ve been acting peculiar all afternoon.” In a reversal of roles, Elise dabs at Corrin’s newly-stained sleeves.

“Just continue your story, please.”

“Oh! Well, there’s not much to it after that. I ran in once I heard all the commotion and saw that he’d accidentally broke the bed. He apologized right off, bless his heart.”

“You weren’t—you weren’t there with him?”

“No. I’d stayed up in the other room to do some reading. Benny wanted to retire early.” Elise flashes her a weird look. “Why does it matter?”

“No reason.” Corrin dismisses.

Throughout their teatime Camilla throws out several more blatant sexual innuendos—“Does the carpet match the drapes?” “Camilla, you know I prefer wooden flooring!”—to no avail.

Corrin slurps miserably at her lukewarm tea. Tastes like her abject failure.

Wait a minute.

Corrin slams her teacup back down in its saucer, causing Elise and Camilla to glance her way questioningly.

“I have to go,” Corrin explains. “I forgot my dragonstone in the icebox.”

Before either of them has a chance to register her brilliant excuse, Corrin is off like a shot.

~*~

Corrin tracks down Felicia as she’s stealthily trying to toss ruined bed sheets over the fortress walls.

“Lady Corrin!” The maid’s face goes flaming red as she curtseys. “I was just—um—you see—”

“I don’t care about any of that right now!” Felicia balks at Corrin’s severe look. “There’s something much more important at stake.”

Corrin seizes Felicia by her thin wrist and brings her all the way up to her treehouse. Niles is lazing in bed despite the hour, idly flipping through a book.

“Scram, Niles. It’s time for a girl talk.”

Niles stretches, catlike. “You’re sure I have to?”

Corrin throws a pointed look to the door. Never one for propriety, Niles throws a simple cloak over his smallclothes and descends the ladder barefoot.

Corrin shuts and locks the door behind him. Felicia wrings her hands in the center of the room, face pale.

“Is this about the s-sheets, m’lady? Because I can assure you—”

“I already told you, it has nothing to do with the sheets—”

“I p-promise the tea will improve. I asked Jakob to give me lessons.”

“Felicia!” Corrin interrupts. Felicia’s mouth snaps closed with an audible click. “Relax. You’re not in trouble. I just wanted to ask you a few things.”

Corrin beckons for Felicia to join her at the table to sit and talk. The maid sits on the chair uneasily, as if a thousand spikes were embedded in its seat.

“Now Felicia. What we’re about to discuss here between us is never to leave this room.”

Felicia nods, eager to please in the wake of her buttling failures. Corrin steeples her fingers, gaze unwaveringly focused on Felicia’s blue eyes.

“Now tell me. In the past several weeks, has Elise visited you for any…personal reasons?”

Felicia blinks. “I may have healed a wound or two on the battlefield, but nothing else other than that.”

“She hasn’t come to see you privately? In secret?” Corrin stresses. Of the small number of healers in their entourage, Felicia is the most likely choice. Unlike Jakob and his son Dwyer, Felicia is a woman. She would _understand_.

“I’m afraid I don’t know what you’re referring to.” Felicia says, guileless.

Corrin goes for broke. “She hasn’t come calling, asking you to do some healing for some tears? You know…down there?”

It’s like all the blood in Felicia’s body rushes to her face.  She staggers upright, overturning her chair.

“I don’t think it’s proper of me at all to speak of such things.”

“What about those sheets you were tossing? Any of them from her room? Any of them stained with blood, maybe?”

“I’m sorry, Lady Corrin, but I need to leave!” Felicia squeaks with embarrassment, fleeing the room. Too quickly. As if she’d forgotten the fifteen-foot drop.

“Wait, Felicia—”

Corrin hears a girlish scream which is abruptly cut off by a muffled thud. Warily, Corrin pokes her head out the door. Felicia’s potentially-disastrous fall has been cushioned by Kaze. The ninja must have heard Felicia’s cry and instinctively snapped into motion.

“Are you two okay?” Corrin shouts down.

From beneath Felicia’s crumpled form, Kaze gives her a shaking thumbs up.

~*~

Corrin’s dogged pursuit of the truth has turned up zero results. She is still no closer to learning Benny’s dimensions.

She sits with her chin resting in her palm. Her right hand holds a quill, and she slowly trails down a list naming everyone she’s relatively close to in the army. She scratches off Xander and Leo’s names right away; Xander would keel over if she brought it up, and Leo would just straight up walk away from her.

Corrin gnaws on the feathered end of the quill contemplatively. If anyone’s probably seen Benny’s dick before, it’s Charlotte. But what could Corrin offer her that Xander wouldn’t be able to match ten times over? Moreover, say Charlotte agrees to tell her about its girth. Maybe the last time Charlotte saw it was when they were way younger, two low-rank soldiers just scraping by. Benny may very well have grown since then.

Disappointed, Corrin draws a line through Charlotte’s name. What about Kaze, then? His ninjutsu skills might prove particularly useful, and he is loyal to her to a fault…

A sudden loud knocking at her door drags her from her thoughts.

“Corrin? Are you in here?”

It’s Elise. She sounds distressed, far from her usual bubbly self.

“Uh—um—” Corrin needs to get rid of the evidence of her plotting.

“Corrin?”

“Just give me a minute!”

In a fit of panicked insanity, Corrin wads up the paper and crams it into her mouth. The taste of ink overwhelms her taste buds, and Corrin immediately spits it back up again, feeling foolish.

Corrin has just kicked the spit-wet ball of paper into a corner of the room when Elise flings the door open. She’s not alone—Benny’s massive frame is visible in the doorframe behind her.

“Mind if I sit?” Elise’s tone is clipped, all business.

“Of course not.”

Corrin watches as Elise occupies the same chair Felicia had two days ago. Benny moves to stand behind his wife. He’s too large to squeeze into a chair, and probably doesn’t want to break his commander’s bed by sitting on it.

“Felicia was acting strange yesterday, and this morning as well.” Elise’s pinky finger traces idle circles in the wood grain of the table. Corrin’s insides sink like a stone.

“I asked her what was wrong, and at first she tried to deter and distract me. Elise’s face darkens, and Corrin shudders as she’s forcibly reminded of Camilla in her blacker moods. It must be a hereditary thing.

“When I got her to cave, do you know what she said to me? That you’d been asking after my health; if I had secretly gone to her for healing.”

Corrin nearly slumps in relief. Felicia hadn’t really spilled the beans. Only some fake, cheap beans, bought from a shady merchant on the roadside.

But then Elise continues.

“And that really gave me pause. Why would you ask something like that? Did you not trust me to be honest with you? To look after myself?” Elise grips the edge of the table in an attempt to contain her emotion, whilst Benny pats her shoulder soothingly. “You still don’t think I’m on par with the rest of you, after all this time? I’m still—I’m still just your dumb kid sister. What do I need to do to prove to you that I’m just as good as everyone else?”

Oh, damn. Tears are forming in Elise’s eyes. Oh damn oh damn. Corrin did not want this.

“Gods, Elise, it isn’t anything like that—”

“Well what is it then?” Elise demands hotly.

And just like that, everything Corrin had dammed up goes spewing out.

“How big is Benny’s dick? I mean, Elise, no offense, but you’re rather small for your age, and Benny, well, Benny is fucking huge. I thought Effie was the largest person in the world but then Benny came along and fucking eclipsed her. And you’re _married_ now and gods, how does it manage to fit? Does it hurt? Do you guys use a special lubricant or something? Or does he just use his fingers or mouth? Or— _or_ —does he just kind of nudge the tip in? Will that be enough to make kids, if you even want them?”

Corrin doesn’t even pause for breath during her rant, and when it’s over she has to take a quick gasp of air.

“Corrin,” Elise begins, more calmly than she has a right to be in this kind of situation. “The walls of the vagina can expand to a considerable size. A newborn babe is larger than any penis would ever be. Of course it takes some stretching, but it is possible for us to have sex.”

Elise frowns, noticing how Corrin’s face drains of blood.

“Corrin?”

Corrin’s eyes roll back, and Benny moves with surprising swiftness to catch her before she hits the ground.

Elise pokes Corrin’s limp body. Her sister has fainted.


End file.
